Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
