I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Randomize
