Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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