did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
