i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
