she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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