The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
