I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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