hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
