we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
