I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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