I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
