Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I touched a dick in church today
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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