Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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