i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
