is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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