I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
