If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
