I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
