An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
