the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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