I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
