Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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