It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
