I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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