I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
