I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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