I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
