i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
