My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
