He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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