The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
