I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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