I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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