so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
