I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
