im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
