When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
