I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
