Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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