Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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