Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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