she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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