She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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