I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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