Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
