She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
