i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
