i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
