yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
