She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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