idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
