Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
