He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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