Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
