im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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