so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
