Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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